Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas Courage


It's nearly Christmas, the shopping is nearly done, the wrapping and shipping nearly finished. My first Christmas post-divorce, and my second without my children.

It's strange how grief rolls out over time. Dealing with the pain of distance from my kids has been a daily trial. The wrenching pain of this distance is a wound that has to be dressed every single day. Because of its severity, other pain gets pushed away, pushed down because there is only so much you can handle at one time, and pain related to children triumphs all others.

I looked at my puppy Charlie the other day, and remembered the dog I had to leave behind.



The dog I loved, and who loved me. I had no choice; my ex-husband needed Courage and loved him more than any dog we'd ever had. It would have been cruel to take him. Savage even. And despite the pain and rage and fear of my departure, I couldn't do that.

And so that little dog, who was also my favorite dog of all, the one who loved me best, had to stay when I left.

It's been almost two years, a long time in a dog's life. I imagine how he has aged. I wonder if he wondered what happened to me. I wonder if dogs can think back and remember.

But I don't stay long in those wonderings.

I can't.

God is good. He has given me this new little dog to love. So strange and funny and smart and weird. In loving him, I am beginning to be able to mourn Courage. Which I think, is a sign of healing.

Merry Christmas Courage. I am petting you in my heart.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Tree Update

Here's how the tree turned out:


I'm thinking new traditions aren't so bad.

Monday, December 12, 2011

On Changing Traditions

I've been scouring nearby towns for white Christmas tree lights. For some reason they are very difficult to find, and we are only half-way through December! The Christmas tree tradition I am used to, with my family of origin and the family I raised, was colored lights. But after some major life shifts, the old traditions are just too painful.

After a fruitless search, I settled for white icicle lights. I'll drape them and tuck them and do what I can to hide the fact that they weren't intended for a tree. And I'll use coordinated colors, gold and a turquoisey blue, something I've also never done before.

And it will be a good Christmas.

Despite.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Video Note to Self

In an effort to keep this blog a bit more up to date and active, I've decided to start posting the random thoughts that run through my brain about what's happening in these parts.

Here's the first. Because I do need one.